Nearly a year on from mum’s death and we are learning how to cope. Lots of tears, skirting around issues, trying not to say the wrong thing. Dad has a huge gaping hole where mum was and is fragile but strong. Mum’s shoes have finally been moved from the front door, he’s cleaning out wardrobes ( so that I don’t have to do it when he dies). When we are out he cries if anyone mentions mum but is sad if no one does. He worries about sending birthday cards just from him so we’ve talked and for now he still signs them from him and mum. He is still convinced that it’s his fault she died the guilt of having no option but to place your loved one into care. 

He has aged so much this year, he shuffles, he’s had so many ailments (although a highlight was winning a £500 M and S voucher as a result of booking a hearing test). I’m so proud of him, he’s kept going and taught himself new skills, he asks for help with practical tasks ( well he does now I’ve banned him from climbing into the loft.)

It would have been my eldest son’s birthday this weekend – 29 – how can that be when I still see him as a baby? If you are around someone who is grieving remember that the sadness never fully goes away. It’s 29 years and I can still feel the softness of Matthew’s cheek so no, you never get over it you just learn how to live with it.

Northern Rocks this weekend brought back a flood of memories – mum was terminally ill, Debbie and I had recently been to Kakuma and my emotions were all over the place But and it’s a big but – I was surrounded by friends who propped me up ( literally at times).

At the moment I’m recharging with a week in the Dales, dad is in charge of my greenhouse and happy to have a focus for a week, my Tommy and LJ are on standby for hugs this weekend and life is good – the sadness is part of us and makes us what we are.