Mum died on 26th June and we have spent this week making the seemingly hundreds of arrangements. I will blog properly when I get my head together but wrote this today as i’m struggling.
Friends keep asking me how I am but the honest answer is I don’t know. Mum died last week and whilst I’m desperately trying to mourn her I’m having trouble finding her. The person we called mum for the last few years hasn’t really been mum at all. She has been a confused and frightened lady who gradually declined to the point of not knowing who we were. She changed in mannerism, appearance and outlook. She had mood swings, phases of being angry followed by tears followed by just sleeping.
So I want to remember my ‘real mum’ the one that looked after and cared for me, the one I could phone for advice and support, the one who loved me unconditionally. But I can’t find her. At the moment the memories of the last few years are too vivid, the images from the last few days imprinted solidly on my mind. I hope in time these will fade and allow my real mum to come back but at the minute the answer to the question ‘How are you’ is a bland one as I can’t explain I’m still looking for mum xx
Jane Hewitt 
Ah Jane. Much love to you and your family. You will find her. Perhaps you mourned for her a long time ago. X
I think you are right Nancy we have been grieving for years x
Oh Jane. My heart really goes out to you. I was the same with my dad two years ago – I felt like I’d been mourning him for a few years before that and it was almost too much when it came but when I gave myself permission to really grieve it wasn’t the recent version of him I missed it was a more decent memory of him and when it hit, it hit me hard. Take your time … Life will never be the same again. Not better not thankfully worse just different. Massive hugs.
Thank you Mel, it helps to know that others understand what this feels like x
Thank you for sharing that.
A wiser man then me told me that with grief time is no healer just a manager.
That resonated for me then and its echo has helped me since.
With love.
Thank you Gav that makes a lot of sense x
My thoughts are with you Jane. It is not easy to answer that question. I lost my mum when I was a teenager after a long battle with cancer. It took a long time but I found my mum again and remember the good times with fondness. You will have many more good years to think back on than I did, but you will find her again, eventually and smile at the memories.
Thank you for your kind words Beth and for giving me hope x